I. Feel. Black.


I feel BLACKER than I’ve felt in a very long time. I’m conscious of how melanin affects my skin when I walk into a shop, when I see a law enforcement officer, when I’m pumping gasoline, etc.  I feel Black – and that’s okay, because it is who my Creator decided I should be. But feeling black is not okay when it means that I feel like it automatically makes me guilty of something that just might cost me my life.  

No, it’s not okay when I fear what might happen to my sons because their work requires them to be out sometimes when its dark and they might match the description of a black man who really IS  guilty of something.

But I also feel vulnerable, laid bare, exposed. I have a heightened awareness about the whereabouts of my grown children — my sons and my son-in-law just because they are black.

I feel ashamed that people really do believe that my people don’t care about all lives, because we most certainly do! It is just that at this moment in history we are feeling the onslaught of injustices that we can’t quite put our minds around.

I feel desperately dependent upon God — and that’s a good thing too, because only He can make any of this right!

But I also feel loved — loved by those of my “majority culture” friends who have reached out to me in meaningful ways to admit that they cannot understand – but that they love me and care deeply about how I am feeling and what I fear. We have to be right with one another to make a real change.

I feel confused because I’ve said to my children when they were just kids that they can always trust those that enforce the law; but I’m not sure that is always going to be true.  Don’t misunderstand me – I have dear friends who are LEOs and I know they are good people doing the right thing; but I’m concerned that no one is weeding out the bad eggs.

I feel grief for so many lives lost – but especially today for George Floyd; the family left behind, the futures cut off, all of it! I feel grief for the sad truth that our culture is still quite ill as relates to racial relations.

I feel hope – because my life is hidden in Christ with God; because He promised me a hope and a future; because when it’s all over I shall see Him face to face.  Hope because this world is not my home, I’m a sojourner here.  The place He has prepared for me, no man can take away.  The life he’s given me is eternal, no one can take it away.

Praying that this nation will know the hope and love of Christ and praying that the church across the world will take her place and bringing both healing and peace.  Praying that our justice system will be changed in the ways that only God can change it. Praying everyday that my sons, my nephews, my brothers in law, my black male cousins will live and not die!  Praying that this will get better – even if it must get worse first!  Praying for His mercy!!!! Praying that righteousness and justice will truly overtake our nation. As the Body of Christ – I am praying that we will represent the Kingdom of God in true ways to push true change. I’m praying that the Body of Christ will speak with one voice about both healing and justice. Kyrie Eleison!!!!

7 thoughts on “I. Feel. Black.

  1. Beautifully written.

    For God’s Glory,

    Lisa Miller Autry

    Leadership Development
    Ministry Partner Mobilization


    Ephesians 2:10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.


  2. Jan, thank you for your poignant well written words, and your faithful blogs. I do read them, even if I don’t always respond. I too pray for God’s Holy Spirit penetrating the hearts across not only America, but the world.


  3. oh, Jan….looking forward to that day when the Lord will write every wrong, repay every injustice, put everything to right. We cannot know how it feels, but our Lord does. Praying for our nation and the world. So encouraged by outpourings of repentance, revival, and brotherhood being shown around our nation!! Love you so much


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