I’ve received quite a few texts, messages, etc. from my friends saying things like “how are you doing after the shooting?” or “how are you, after Alton Sterling and Philando Castile?’ … It’s not a cut and dry answer and I only wanted to type it once – so here’s my attempt at telling you how I feel.
I. FEEL. BLACK.
I feel Blacker than I’ve felt in a very long time. I’m conscious of how melanin affects my skin when I walk into a shop, when I see a law enforcement officer, when I’m pumping gasoline, etc. I feel Black – and that’s okay, because it is who my Creator decided I should be. But feeling black is not okay when it means that I feel like it automatically makes me guilty of something that just might cost me my life. No,it’s not okay when I fear what might happen to my sons because their work requires them to be out sometimes when its dark and they might match the description of a black man who really IS guilty of something.
But I also feel vulnerable, laid bare, exposed. I have a heightened awareness about the whereabouts of my grown children — my sons just because they are black and my daughter because she chooses to live in a black community.
I feel ashamed that people believe that my people don’t care about all lives, because we most certainly do! It is just that at this moment in history we are feeling the onslaught of injustices that we can’t quite put our minds around.
I feel desperately dependent upon God — and that’s a good thing too, because only He can make any of this right!
But I also feel loved — loved by those of my majority culture friends who have reached out to me in meaningful ways to admit that they cannot understand – but that they love me and care deeply about how I am feeling and what I fear.
I feel confused because I’ve said to my children that they can always trust those that enforce the law; but I’m not sure that is always going to be true. Don’t misunderstand me – I have dear friends who are LEOs and I know they are good people doing the right thing; but I’m concerned that no one is weeding out the bad eggs.
I feel grief for so many lives lost – but especially today for Alton Sterling and Philando Castile; the families left behind, the futures cut off, all of it!
I feel hope – because my life is hidden in Christ with God; because He promised me a hope and a future; because when it’s all over I shall see Him face to face. Hope because this world is not my home, I’m a sojourner here. The place He has prepared for me, no man can take away. The life he’s given me is eternal, no one can take it away.
Praying that this nation will know the hope and love of Christ and praying that the church across the world will taker her place and bringing both healing and peace. Praying everyday that my sons, my nephews, my brothers in law, my black male cousins will live and not die! Praying that this will get better – even if it must get worse first! Praying for His mercy!!!! Kyrie Eleison!!!!